Opportunities for comparison are all around us. We can compare salaries, accolades, grades, cars, houses, spouses, gadgets, trips, looks. There are a multitude of ways. And usually this comparison doesn’t add much good to our lives. Along with perfectionism and over-empathy, in recent years I have been learning freedom from comparison.

While others’ lives can be sources of inspiration or wisdom, I usually find that comparison is a distraction. It’s like I’m an apple comparing myself to an orange, feeling inferior because my skin is too thin and I don’t have a citrus flavor. I end up feeling bad for no reason. Or questioning things I don’t need to question. Comparison can make life heavier than it needs to be.

What could freedom from comparison open up in our lives?

Questioning Myself

On a recent trip, I found myself reflecting on my life choices. (Trips are often times where my clarity deepens.) I was comparing myself to a specific person whose life looked, from my limited perspective, like I had once thought mine would. I had been pushing thoughts about this to the back of my mind, but I stared at some furious rapids, God unearthed my unease.

Was this person better than me? Had I failed in life in some crucial ways? Had I made wrong choices? Given up too soon? Been short-sighted?

These are the kind of painful questions I often avoid, because what if I realize the answer is yes?!

But leaving these questions unexamined allows them to fester over time. Facing the answers can at least give me valuable information upon which I can act. I am growing more and more confident that I am capable of asking these questions and facing their answers, even if the truth is unpleasant.

So was this person better than me? Was I failing at life? Had I made a mistake?

I felt God nudge me with a question: Would you actually want that life?

Pausing to Ask

So often we get so caught up noticing what someone else has, or does, or is succeeding at, that we forget to check in with ourselves. What is it that we want out of life? What do we want to prioritize? Do we really want a fancy car, or a trip to Paris, or that particular career, or this particular way of living? We might. But we also might not.

Pausing to ask is powerful.

We can consider different options, multiple possibilities. We can take stock of the reality that we can’t do everything in life, but we can prioritize. What is it that is most important to us?

Freedom from Comparison: A Life Fully Lived

For me, I realized no. I wouldn’t want the life that other person had.

At one point, I had thought I wanted it, but I had changed my mind. Through the journey, I had realized that goal I had envisioned didn’t match reality. By taking steps forward, I realized that I wanted to pivot and change direction. And part of me felt like a failure for not sticking with the original plan. Part of me wondered if my current life was second-best because it was my second choice (or, more accurately, my sixth or seventh choice).

Many of us feel like a purposeful life equals a well-planned life, which equals a life that turns out the way you imagined. But what if a life lived on purpose––a life of purpose––can also look like letting the experiences of life teach us and change us? What if a life of purpose looks like paying close attention to what we actually experience, not just what we planned? What if we evolve as our life progresses, and the changes we make to the plan along the way are actually signs of our growth?

That day, on my trip, as I sat next to the roaring river, the thunderous rapids seemed an apt reflection of my inner state. As I listened to the controlled chaos, I heard God speak to my soul.

You chose a different path intentionally. You are forging your own path. Forerunners are often misunderstood, but they are vital. You aren’t afraid to question the entire system and explore a new way forward.

What is Your New Way?

Sometimes I over-think the way I’m living because it doesn’t fit my previous plans or others’ expectations. The way I make a living. The way I date. The way I engage with God. The way I do friendships, allocate my time, or pursue personal growth. There is a time and a place for sticking to a plan. There is a time and place for listening to the wisdom of others.

But there is also a time for leaning into our own real-time wisdom, the wisdom we are gleaning as we go, and letting it change the path.

Our old self could only see to a particular horizon. Others can only give us insight into their own particular paths. But those aren’t the only options. Even if we are following a constant God as our Guide, our ability to discern divine guidance can grow and change.

What might it look like to stop measuring our lives against others’ lives, or even against our own expectations? What might it look like to write a story all our own as we go?

This, I’m learning, is a vital part of FREEDOM.

Cain and Abel

In my last post, I touched on the story of Cain and Abel. Cain was jealous because God was pleased by Abel’s offering and not his. Cain was angry. So angry, he murdered his brother. Cain made the situation about comparison when it didn’t need to be.

It was easy to fall into comparison. They were brothers. They were both bringing things to God. It was natural to notice God’s unequal reaction and feel less-than because of it. But when God sees that Cain is angry, God says, “If you do well, will you not be accepted?”

To God, it wasn’t a competition. It wasn’t a contest. It wasn’t a comparison. Abel had gotten something right that Cain hadn’t. But Cain’s offering wasn’t rejected because of Abel. Abel wasn’t the problem. Cain himself was. Rather than focus on what his brother was doing, Cain needed to turn inward and focus on himself.

When things don’t go the way we hoped or planned, it is easy to blame others, to look around at all the people whose lives seem to be perfect and complain. It’s easy to resent those who have what we want. Perhaps to blame God.

But what if we turned inward instead and asked what change we wanted in the circumstances we have? What if we paused to reassess our strengths, the bigger picture, and the possibilities? What if we shifted our mindset from seeing life as a competition to seeing it as an opportunity for growth, creativity, and discovery?

What if we radically accepted what was in a way that freed us to explore what could be?

Freedom to be Honest and to Move Forward

There is space for our grief, disappointment, and even anger. But let’s not forget to notice what is, not just what isn’t. Cain had a relationship with God. Even though God didn’t like Cain’s offering, God still cared about Cain. But Cain couldn’t see that. Because his brother got extra approval he didn’t get, he could see nothing else.

What might it look like to acknowledge our disappointments without letting them eclipse all the goodness, possibility, and beauty that is well within our reach? What might open up in our lives if we decided to trust the process––of becoming, of growth, of learning to be human and whole?

Have you found freedom from comparison? Are you on the way?